Bender: November pop quiz
You’ve heard of the October Surprise, haven’t you? Well, what could be more surprising than an October surprise in November? All right, kids, let’s see if you’ve been paying attention in class. It’s time for another Tony Bender Pop Quiz, the official Moms Against Masks, Karens Against Brandons, Bastiats Against Everything and Weed quiz, “Still Schedule One Ahead of Meth”.
1. What’s wrong with Joe Manchin and Krysten Sinema?
A. Wanting to be the “Senator of Attention”
B. This is democracy, and what could be more democratic than thwarting progress?
C. Held hostage by personal ambition
D. A waste is a terrible thing in mind.
2. Why did the State Investment Board invest in St. Louis instead of North Dakota?
A. Missouri’s Secret Annexation Plan
B. Really jazz
C. Misdirection to deceive our enemies
D. A fucking GPS
3. Why were Rep. Kelly Armstrong and Senators Kevin Cramer and John Hoeven silent during the spending bill debate?
A. Failed to get vaccinated against laryngitis
B. In fact, Hoeven is a figment of our collective imagination.
C. Don’t disrupt sausage making, because North Dakota will get a lot of pork.
D. Trapped in Cone of Silence for 67 days and no one noticed
4. According to a recent poll, the #1 Halloween costume this season was:
A. Sexy Nurse
B. Sexy COVID patient
C. Sexy funeral director
D. All of the following
5. Rep. Jeff Hoverson, a Lutheran pastor, was barred from flying out of Minot because:
A. Disturbing resemblance to DB Cooper
B. Trigger the judgmental alarm at security
C. Asked the TSA agent to buy him dinner first
D. Surprised everyone by calling the flight “The Ascension”.
6. Facebook just changed its name to:
C. Metta World Peace
7. Recently released an anti-vax anthem:
A. Blind Joe
B. Tone Deaf Joe
D. Blind faith
8. The main reason tourists visit North Dakota.
Approval of A. Josh Duhamel
B. Curious to know who Josh Duhamel is
C. Can’t wait to see Mount Rushmore
D. A fucking GPS
9. Libertarian Representative Rick Becker, conservator and plastic surgeon, took tens of thousands of COVID relief documents because:
A. Like a mountain, because it was there
B. Botox for Humpback Sally
C. Loss of money during a Go Fund Me attempt
D. Getting up with other people’s bootstraps.
10. Number one reaction to Packers QB Aaron Rodgers lying about vaccination:
A. It was a four-way conclusion
B. What is ‘not surprised’, Alex.
C. He was showing solidarity with Kirk Cousins and Carson Wentz.
D. Hitting your head one too many times on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field
Bonus: Some lawmakers are very concerned about CRT, but what is it?
A. Crazy Republican Transgenders
B. Classical regressive theocracy
C. Crosby, Stills and Nash misspelled
D. Certain agricultural programs
Answers: 1. A; 2. A.; 3.A; 4.D; 5.D; 6.D; 7.B; 8.C; 9.D; 10. One; Bonus: A. OK, lazy people, let’s see how you did. 11-9 correct: Congratulations, you have passed the citizenship test. 6-8 correct: Well done, Mr. Port, you’re coming. 3-5 correct: An argument for time limits. 0-2 Correct: Still, you beat most of Texas.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.